This is a guest post from Ian Birke.
“No Contact” is one of the best practices you can implement for your life after ending a romantic relationship. No Contact means what it says: stop contacting your Ex altogether. This means no texts, no calls, no liking their social media posts, no emails, and especially no in-person contact. The circumstances are obviously different when there are non-negotiable obligations between you and your Ex, such as outstanding debts or children. In those instances contact should be limited to as much as the situation needs to be handled civilly, and no more.
Why Go No Contact?
Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee (break ups are hardly ever an even split) the first thing you’re going to want to do is go into No Contact. In the case of being the Dumper, the kindest thing you can do once you have clearly stated that you no longer want to be in a relationship with your Ex is to commit to no longer contacting them. To continue to stay in contact with your Ex despite not wanting a relationship with them will breed false hope and give the wrong signals. If you truly want to separate from your Ex, you have to commit fully to that separation.
If you’re the Dumpee, then the break up has likely come as much more of a shock to you. This is because your Ex has had the time to think through their decision before deciding to break up with you. Most of the time your Ex will stay with you despite knowing they intend to break up with you simply because they’re waiting for the right time (after an important occasion like a birthday, or Christmas, for example) so as to not cause drama during a family occasion. Many break ups happen in the New Year as this is seen as the best time for a clean break.
By the time a relationship has reached a point where separation occurs, there is little that can be done to salvage things at that time. Like a vortex the end of a relationship simply contains too much hostility for any meaningful way forward to be found. This is not to say it is impossible for a relationship to make a sudden change for the better once both parties realize what the issue was holding the relationship back, but these kind of ‘black swan’ events can’t be relied upon, especially if you have both talked yourselves blue in the face trying to solve and fix issues in the relationship only to feel like no progress has been made.
Time for Change
When entering into No Contact it should not be seen as a tit-for-tat trying to make your Ex miss you because of your absence (though this certainly can occur). The true value of No Contact is having time to rethink the relationship without being in the middle of it.
If you were unhappy in the relationship but your Ex was unwilling to change, a break-up followed by No Contact can be a fantastic catalyst to prompt them to be better. People rarely change for the better overnight however. It can take weeks, if not months, for significant inner change to take place, and longer for that change to be implemented.
A Win-Win Scenario
When entering into No Contact the scariest part is the idea that you might never hear from your Ex again. In the case of being the Dumper, you may want to move on but in the back of your mind you might be wondering if they changed for the better, and if so, would you want your Ex back? If the answer is still no, then No Contact was a success because your Ex has demonstrated they have been able to move on from the relationship in a healthy manner. If the answer is yes, then both you and your Ex may not be ready to try being in a relationship again, having both grown from the time apart.
In the case in which you’re the Dumpee, it is the same situation but on the other foot. You may find in the time apart that your Ex wasn’t right for you. Or that, after taking several months to work on your mindset, health, and goals, that you’re now in a much better place to be in that relationship.
No Contact Means Growth
If you break No Contact without having put in the work to grow as a person, to be different from the person you were during the break up, then it is unreasonable to have an expectation things will go smoothly. The bitter pill to swallow with No Contact is also the best one: you no longer need to stay in No Contact when you no longer are concerned about how your Ex will react. If you break No Contact early, when you’re not prepared for your Ex to reject your return (being given a lukewarm/cold response), that is a sign you haven’t put in the time to work on yourself.
There is much more which can be said about No Contact. What I hope readers take from this advice is that your best hope for success in the future, whether it be with your Ex or with someone else, is to give yourself time away from their presence and to focus on your own personal growth. The alternative is to continue going in circles. Be brave and start No Contact.
